Cold weather irks me a little; me nut bag and the bachelor’s best friend shrivel to comical proportions. Well... tragi-comical proportions, in my case. Sitting at a bus-stop shivering near to death in the predawn chill, I was joined by a shabbily hale Harry Ramp - a gentleman of downsized socio-economic status. “Good morning, my domestically and industrially shackled fellow,” he said cheerily, eyeballing my brass plated wedding ring and tin-plated industrial shackles. “ There’s a bit of a former inexpensive but reliable transistor radio manufacturer in the air, eh what?” “Colder than Maggie Thatcher’s minge, I reckon,” I whinged. “That, my good fellow, would be colder than a lawyer’s handshake,” He replied. “It’s nippy, but not that cold. You are suffering somewhat, I see, from the gelid atmospheric conditions....” “I’m freezin’ me fukkin nuts off! Even with me Damarts on!” “Ah, the thermal undergarments are marvellous but they do have their stall angle. In conditions such as this,” he went on, shooing away a pack of polar bears, “...I resort to Geo-thermal underwear.” “Geo-thermal underwear?” “Yes. I simply drop a bundle of hot rocks in my underduds and it keeps my testicles warm for some reasonable time. Here we go... Grunt... Ahhhhh, Gruunt... Ahhhh, Ohhh, and AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH!!! There... toasty as roasted chestnuts they are now.” I started walking before the smell hit me. Now to other entertainments....
Wednesday evening at the Whitmore. Mike and the Minge Mechanics (I don’t know the name of the band and I’m too lazy to look it up) will be a gettin’ it on with some blues and RnB and even some Santana I am told.
Friday... I reckon Slow Poke is at the Whitmore.You'd think I'd get off me arse and check this stuff but I'm in a couldn't-give-a -fuk-mood today. i'll come back to this tomorrow and make some corrections or something. Or not.
Saturday... the grousies are doing a private show so mind your fukken business. I can say that it is for a well-known drummer who plays in a very well-known band and whom is turning a very well-known number of years old. And we're gonna let him play his not-so-well-known percussion set and it's gonna be more fun than a face-full of acne and a clean mirror in the bathroom.
Sunday August 1 – yes, It’s August already! The Wine Underground, Pirie Street, the City, has live Blues and Roots music from 5 pm till 8 pm. Once again, I couldn't be arsed finding out who is on. Somebody really good, though. But. Still.
And the gig of the month – DOUBLE WAMMY will be a ripping the bag at the Semaphore Workers Club, Semaphore on Sunday August 1. If you’ve never experienced the Power Soul kick in the guts of Double Wammy you’re in for a treat – if you can get your breath back after your first decent kicking. And the Semaphore Workers Club is the HOME – I said THE home – the living quarters – the RESIDENCE of Blues and Roots music in South Australia. Double Wammy will be ready to kick your guts in at sometime shortly – or longly – after 5 pm.
Swing the blues, scoot the boots and pogo till you drop
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
MasterChef is the new disco – all the glamour of a mirror ball with the depth of a Microgroove vinyl LP. But it can get you places! I made the finals in the local Bird-Stranglers Club MasterChef challenge and won a work-experience trip of my choice. I ended up in the steamy highlands of New Guinea as an apprentice cook for a large tribe of fierce-looking locals. The mistake I made was misinterpreting “head hunters”; I thought they were an international executive chef placement organisation. They were fukkin' cannonballs! Still - a cooking gig's a cooking gig! Bongo was the head chef; his assistant Bingo cooked the rest of the carcase. “You want to choose menu for today?” Bongo asked me. “Does an orangutan pick his nose and eat it?” I replied. “Where’s the list of vittles.” “Here is the carte de jour,” said Bongo handing me a pile of paper. “But these are....” “Tourist bus schedules. See here...Yum Yum.... Busload of English tourists... lots of white meat for the ladies and kiddies. Then we have Chinese tourists... two busloads, one hour apart. Yum Cha! Then... do you like big, fat, juicy drumsticks?” “Does a gorilla do a shit in its hand and fling it at rubbernecks?” I replied. “Good. We have busload of American tourists for dinner. What’s up, Bingo?” Bingo had climbed up the Totem of Many Eyes and Ears which was the focal point of the tribal ground. He held up his hand to quieten the crowd. “Is that where you go to commune with the tribal spirits?” I asked. “No. It’s where we go to get best mobile phone reception. What’s cooking, Bingo?” “Nothing. Bus-drivers on strike.” “Ah, fuk a cuscus! “ exclaimed Bongo. “Frozen betel-nut pizza again. Hmmm and double hmmm... I wonder... would Mister MasterChef visitor like to relax in hot bath?” “Does a ring-tailed possum dribble shit down its guts? I could do with a scrub up. But what’s with the onions and carrots floating in the tub?” “Ummmm.... Me run out of bubble bath.”
This week we have the Blues Avenue Trio, Honky Tonk Angels, Panic The Strealiners and John Earl walker, and that's just for 'starters'! Ho fukken ho.
At the Whitmore Hotel ( Morphett Street, Adelaide) on Wednesday July 21, Blues Avenue Trio will be swinging the Blues for all the cool cats. Dancing is the soup de jour on the menu with The Blues Avenue Trio and Sweet Baby James Meston, Rob Eyers and The Preacher Denis Surmon will put you through your paces.
Friday July 23 has Honky Tonk Angels - The Loretta Lynn Story - at the Encounter Bay Football Club. If you want to go to the show - it's purdy dang good - and need more info, chase Amber Joy Poulton on: http://www.myspace.com/amberpoulton. But I have it from the horse's mouth - not that horse over there on the right - that's a filly, ya fukker! Now, where was I....? horse's mouth... saddlebags... jodphurs... nightmare....? Right....HTA at Encounter Bay. Get a shift along, tickets are getting scarce as ducks' lips.
Friday night, July 23rd at the Wheatsheaf Hotel (George St, Thebarton ph. 8443 4546) - The Streamliners kick off at 9.30pm.
Saturday July 24 get ready to pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide because it will be more fun than a double-dong vibrator set on "Fuk-me-ragged!" when that irrepressible trio of nutbags - pan!c - steps up to the microphone and say: "Testing, testing...is this thing on?" They will do that around 9 pm. See you there.
American Rockin' Blues legend John Earle Walker will be appearing at...
* the Semaphore RSL Friday July 23; * the Rex Hotel July Saturday 24 and... * the Wine Underground on Sunday July 25.
Also on Sunday, July 25, the Rusty Boys will be at the Whitmore Hotel, kicking off at 1 pm., and The Slowpokes will be appearing at The Whitmore on Friday Night, July 30.
Coming up: the Streamliners, Friday, July 30th at the Semaphore Workers Club
Roots, blues and swing - and something to shout about
Saturday, 10 July 2010
There are things that don’t make much sense in retrospect even though they sort of did when they were first sold to you. Our household were seriously committed ‘water-savers’ because we believed cotton farmers had a god-given right to flood irrigate in the central desert. So, to save 2 litres every flush we put a brick in the dunny cistern; a big brick – one of them concrete ones. We pissed in the garden – sheilas too - and we only flushed the dunny once a week or when the last politician on the pile scraped the doors of the bomb-bay. So serious were we with our water saving that we broadened the practice to its logical extent: we glued lego bricks into the bottom of every mug and cup in the joint and superglued plastic ice-cubes into every glass. By our calculations we were saving enough water to make a fair start on having our own lake Alexandrina in UNDER five thousand years or so. So confident was I of this aspirational outcome that I had started building a luxury 'yot' in the back yard so we’d have something to swan about in when our lake was full. That was until the plumbing disaster. It seems we didn't flush with enough water so our pipes got blocked. Go figure that one out! Do you know who don’t give much of a fuck about saving water...? Well... saving OUR water, that is.... Plumbers. The plumbing prick made me flush the dunny about a hundred times to clear the pipes after he dragged a chain and claw through the doings. That was all my years of water savings gone down the fugging drain in half an hour. Rather than start again I took the bricks out of the cistern and set fire to the boat. Then I used the garden hose to put out the shed. With so much rain about these days I’m sure the clever people on North Terrace have done their best to put some aside for a not-very-rainy day in the future.
Rain or shine - get along to the Hotel Whitmore on Wednesday July 14 for the Blues and Roots music evening. Live music played by excellent musicians. it's a great vibe in the city.
More great things - the Gilbert Street Hotel has Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers working the voodoo on Thursday evening, July 15. The Gilbert is another city venue with a great music vibe and excellent scran. Get in early for the buffalo wings!
Live music at the Wine Underground, Sunday July 18. Band kicks off at 5 pm and plays till 8.
Back at the Whitmore for Wednesday July 21, Blues Avenue Trio will be swinging the Blues for all the cool cats. Dancing is a specialty item on the menu with The Blues Avenue Trio. Sweet Baby James Meston, Rob eyers and The Preacher Denis Surmon will put you through your paces.
Friday July 23 has Honky Tonk Angels - The Loretta Lynn Story - at the Encounter Bay Football Club. That's all I have at the moment but if you want to go to the show - it's purdy dang good - and need more info, chase Amber Joy Poulton on: http://www.myspace.com/amberpoulton
Saturday July 24 get ready to pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide because it will be more fun than a two-fingered vibrator when that irrepressible trio of nutbags - pan!c - steps up to the microphone and say: "testing, testing...is this thing on?" They will do that around 9 pm. See you there.
Wednesday evening at the Whitmore. Mike and the Minge Mechanics (I don’t know the name of the band and I’m too lazy to look it up) will be a gettin’ it on with some blues and RnB and even some Santana I am told.
Saturday... the grousies are doing a private show so mind your fukken business. I can say that it is for a well-known drummer who plays in a very well-known band and whom is turning a very well-known number of years old. And we're gonna let him play his not-so-well-known percussion set and it's gonna be more fun than a face-full of acne and a clean mirror in the bathroom.
Sunday August 1 – yes, It’s August already! The Wine Underground, Pirie Street, the City, has live Blues and Roots music from 5 pm till 8 pm. Once again, I couldn't be arsed finding out who is on. Somebody really good, though. But. Still. 
And the gig of the month – DOUBLE WAMMY will be a ripping the bag at the Semaphore Workers Club, Semaphore on Sunday August 1. If you’ve never experienced the Power Soul kick in the guts of Double Wammy you’re in for a treat – if you can get your breath back after your first decent kicking. And the Semaphore Workers Club is the HOME – I said THE home – the living quarters – the RESIDENCE of Blues and Roots music in South Australia. Double Wammy will be ready to kick your guts in at sometime shortly – or longly – after 5 pm.
At the Whitmore Hotel ( Morphett Street, Adelaide) on Wednesday July 21, Blues Avenue Trio will be swinging the Blues for all the cool cats. Dancing is the soup de jour on the menu with The Blues Avenue Trio and Sweet Baby James Meston, Rob Eyers and The Preacher Denis Surmon will put you through your paces.
Friday July 23 has Honky Tonk Angels - The Loretta Lynn Story - at the Encounter Bay Football Club. If you want to go to the show - it's purdy dang good - and need more info, chase Amber Joy Poulton on: http://www.myspace.com/amberpoulton. But I have it from the horse's mouth - not that horse over there on the right - that's a filly, ya fukker! Now, where was I....? horse's mouth... saddlebags... jodphurs... nightmare....? Right....HTA at Encounter Bay. Get a shift along, tickets are getting scarce as ducks' lips.
Friday night, July 23rd at the Wheatsheaf Hotel (George St, Thebarton ph. 8443 4546) - The Streamliners kick off at 9.30pm. 
Saturday July 24 get ready to pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide because it will be more fun than a double-dong vibrator set on "Fuk-me-ragged!" when that irrepressible trio of nutbags - pan!c - steps up to the microphone and say: "Testing, testing...is this thing on?" They will do that around 9 pm. See you there.
American Rockin' Blues legend John Earle Walker will be appearing at...
More great things - the Gilbert Street Hotel has Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers working the voodoo on Thursday evening, July 15. The Gilbert is another city venue with a great music vibe and excellent scran. Get in early for the buffalo wings!
Friday July 23 has Honky Tonk Angels - The Loretta Lynn Story - at the Encounter Bay Football Club. That's all I have at the moment but if you want to go to the show - it's purdy dang good - and need more info, chase Amber Joy Poulton on: 
Saturday July 24 get ready to pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide because it will be more fun than a two-fingered vibrator when that irrepressible trio of nutbags - pan!c - steps up to the microphone and say: "testing, testing...is this thing on?" They will do that around 9 pm. See you there.