It’s appalling what can happen to you in prison – it appears that no murdering, demented spouse-trouncing criminal is safe from his own kind in detainment, if you believe the news stories. Our family has not been immune from the stigma of arraignment and imprisonment and the trauma suffered at the hands of fellow inmates. It happened to my Uncle Duncan who was arrested and tossed into the slammer just for giving a policeman the wrong directions. The walloper apparently didn’t want to stick his head up his own arse and took aversion to Duncan’s offer to help him. The ungrateful Bluey hurled Duncan in a prison cell already seething with a number of extremely unsavoury ruffians. It was overnight the heartless atrocity took place. A group of callous brutes did their poos in Duncan’s Trilby hat and shoved it firmly back on his head. Terrified, he knew if he took the hat off he was in for a shit shower and it was with great trepidation he allowed himself to be ushered smartly out of the copshop the next morning when his situation was made clear to his jailers.
“Don’t take that hat ‘orf till you get outer here, mate,” ordered the desk sergeant. “Take it off at ‘ome. And even then you’d better do it under the garden hose! “
All well and good, but Duncan was ever the gentleman. The signing-out officer was a policewoman and Duncan’s manners were both well-bred and firmly entrenched, causing him to momentarily forget his peril. Smiling as the lady bluey signed him out, his “Thank you and Good Morning, my dear,” with a doff of the lid had nothing good whatsoever about it.
The whole horror of it never got in the daily newspapers like the recent tattle, but if it did receive endless re-telling at any walloper’s retirement or piss-up for the next decade.
Us law-abiding citizens have to satisfy ourselves with wild rockin' blues music and over-indulging in alcoholic beverages for fun. I'd like to do my bit to help...
Honky Tonk Angels - featuring Amber Joy Poulton (left) will up in the Northern Territory for the Katherine Muster this weekend and, just to make the trip worthwhile, the Holy Men will be supportin' Dolly Parton's tits at the same show. Well... after a fashion. The Holy Men with Brad Bergen on guitar will provide the musical support for Donella Plane who does a mighty good impersonation of Dolly Parton's greatest assets - her voice and her personality (which is funny names for her tits but... mine's is named pinky and poinky). If you happen to be up there make sure you say 'hello'; we're mighty friendly up there in the Middle Top End. Mate.
Now, here's something: Sunday May the 2th, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be performing at the Adelaide Roller Derby, Wayville Showgrounds! You've gotta go and see that! Girls on roller skates smashing each other in the face, ripping eyeballs from sockets, putting sand on the end of they's enemy's lipsticks. Check it out - It's girl power at its zenith. You might see someone you know roller-skating to glory at the Wayville Showgrounds Adelaide Roller Derby. The sheila in the cubicle next to yours at the call centre could be Hell-on Wheels!
Sunday May the 2th will also see the Coopers 1862 bar (The Wine Undergound) vibrating with the rockin' sounds of The Bluescasters, the finest exponents of Bluesy Blues this side of the place that's just near your left elbow. Show starts around 5 pm.
Monday May the 3th, bit of a posh do for the Blues Avenue Trio who will be swinging the lead - I mean - Swingin' the Blues at the Hyatt Hotel. This might be a private show so if you crash it and get arrested don't mention this website.
But wait, there's more ... on Friday May 7, A very special show will be taking place at the Whitmore Hotel, Whitmore Square the city. I know - used to be a tits and bums joint - is now an Acoustic Blues and Roots joint. So, on Friday May 7 there will be a mighty big show with The Blues Avenue Trio Swinging the Blues, as they do, and the fabulous Bex Marshall. One girl, one guitar and a hell of a lot of music.
Looking ahead:
New Bands, exciting music - On saturday May 8 at Fowlers Live ( 68 North Terrace, the city) we have Emergenza Band competition, and one to watch is Chalk Hill (performing at 10.30 pm). We have an interest in Chalk Hill as it contains Son of Maxwells.
Looking slightly further ahead... and I want you to look ahead, I don't want you to dwell on past mistakes or wallow in self pity, like I do; lift your eyes to the future and ... well, don't lift 'em too high. It helps to keep a conservative reign on expectations to minimise disappointment. Sunday May the 9rd - I know it's Mothers' Day for fukcs sake! You've told me that already!! Monday Say the 9rd - now you've got me mixed up. Mothers Day at the Wine Underground. LOOK! Take your fukken mother out for lunch for god's sake! fill her full of champagne and piss her off home and then get along to the Wine Underground (Pirie Street, city) for a Double Wammy Show. They don't do many shows in a year because they are scared of being picked on and they certainly won't be doing a private show for you so you'd better do as suggested - get the Old Dragon sloshed and stick her in a cab home. Then get along to the Wine Underground for the finest in Mother's Day Power Soul entertainment from Double Wammy.
HANG ON A MINUTE !!! The Wine Underground has already got Champagne Lunches on Sundays! I've got a flyer about it but my scanner is fucked so I can't show you but it's true! 3-Course Champange Lunch, Sundays 12 noon to 3 pm. Take the haversack out for a Wine Underground Champagne Lunch on Mother's Day, get her stonkered then lock her in the car and stay for the Double Wammy Show. Ring now for bookings: 8232 1222. Bring your own car, I can ony fit about 5 or 6 hammered mother's in my van.
What's Rockin in Adelaide
Monday, 19 April 2010
You can’t help but feel sorry for Adelaide’s earthquake victims but personally, I would not want to share my own earthquake–related mishap. It’s fairly private and a little embarrassing. I’ll tell you this though – it started with my acknowledgement of a bit of a collapse in my romantic activities To rekindle a spark of excitement I decided to mirror the ceiling in the bedroom. Then I went to a “how to look good naked” clinic to get some advice and they advised that I take my glasses off when I looked in the mirror. It worked ... a fair bit. So, with my romantic evening ahead of me I set to making the mirrored ceiling. It took all freaking day but I have to say, laying there on the bed, naked, glasses off, romance fluttering warmly, things were kind of sparky. The last thing I needed right then was that fukkin earthquake. The bluetak gave way and a tonne of glass mirror shattered all over me. I was cut to fukkin’ ribbons. The only part of me relatively untouched was my sausage and potatoes, thankfully protected by my paramour. And that came with some sad regret - the poor chook was a mess. Although you hate to consign your loved ones to an early grave the only thing it was any good for after that was a curry, being sliced and diced already, but by the time I got out of hospital it was a bit too ripe for eating. However, with the drama of it all and the undue attention my plight garnered me from many quarters I have learned my lesson. I won’t do that again. I will install a CCTV camera thing up on the ceiling and watch the action safely on my teeva. You can stick your mirrred celiings up your arse.
Now, onto our extra-curry-cular activities. Monday April today, Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers will be setting up shop at the Exeter on Rundle. A little bit bluesy, a little bit rootsy and a little bit voodoo-ey. Live and kicking blues is what they doos.
And on Friday, April 23, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will take the party over to the Rob Roy Hotel. This will be an early start (6pm) to give the workers in 'the city' a chance to start winding down after a hectic week of mortgage foreclosing, outsourcnig labour and manufacturing to some third world 'economy', raising costs whie lowering services and quality all while dribbling on about football.
Saturday night - doot doot doo, dee-doodah, doo-dee-doo - the walls and floor of the Daniel O'Connell Hotel will reverberate to the teeth-rattling beat of pan1c - the only band to have in an earthquake zone. I read somehwere that the safest places to be in an earthquake is in the dunny. That said, its obvious my fukkin brother will survive anything earthquackery that satan can hurl at us from underground because he spends almost every waking minute in the karzi since he got back from holiday in Mexico.
On Sunday, Hoy Hoy will be Texas Bluesing all over the place at the Coopers 1862 Bar, The Wine Underground, Pirie Street, the city. Live music kicks off at around 5-ish.
Monday, April 26, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be back at the Exeter on Rundle - AGAIN! Why don't they rent a room and fukken' live there if they like going there so fukken much!
Blues, Roots and more - a feast of live music in Adelaide this weekend
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
But first, it's all about me. And I’m getting a bit fed up with people crying about some international tourists being stuck on Christmas Island. You want to try getting stuck on my desolate dump which is one of them longitudinal parsecs the other side of Christmas Island ‑ Boxing Day Island! Now there’s misery in buckets. You always wake up with a headache and by the time you’ve had a cup of coffee and two Winfield blues you have to drown a turd almost as big as Tony Abbott. Then you find you’ve left the esky in the sun and the beers are warm, and the flies a have already blown the left-over prawns. The dog has got a turkey leg bone blocking its bowel and is about to explode and the neighbour is angry as a sunburned neck about all the cigarette butts and cans that have turned up on his back lawn. Then you see the old duck from over the back striding down her yard to tear strips off you for dumping a box of ripped-up wrapping paper on her compost heap… what can you do? Well, what I usually do is drop me stubbies and point Henry at the Hills Hoist; that usually sends the old bat scuttling back into the musty darkness of her dreary hovel. Then the ‘successful’ brother rings up to talk to you about the suggestions you made to his trophy-wife while he was down the 7-day getting ice… it fukken goes on and on and I can tell you, Christmas Island is paradise compared to Boxing Day Island!
Still.... you've got a bit of an entertainment paradise this week; in fact it's bloody smorgasbord.
First selection from the appetiser table is Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel Thursday April 15. Music kicks off around 7 pm and is accompanied by crusty bread, pats of real butter, sliced ham, picked herring, spiced beetroot and tater salad. Try our carrot and celery cocktail with King prawn mince. We've been trying to shift it since last week.
Second course - bain marie selection - is The Steve Brown Band at the Semaphore Workers Club on Friday April 16. Steve Brown will be offering a medley of hot white meats (fish and fowl) along with smoked salmon, sauces and dips. Accompany your choice with cold and crisp salads that are all organically grown, picked by virgins and and washed in mountain spring water specially trucked in all the way from Mount Thebarton. The Steve Brown band starts cooking around 9 pm. That's Brownie over there on the left, wondering if he just saw something wriggling in the sauce tartare.
He did! Our traditional-style sauce Tartare is famous for its inclusion of the Maltese caper worm and it's supposed to be good luck to get one in your serving. It's also supposed to be better luck to not get one.
Saturday Warp Factor 4 goes all privatey again with a private do at a private location the address of which is private. However that should not stop you from enjoying a main course - another bain marie selection - of hotmeats (Beef, lamb, pork and turkey) with a tantalising slection of steamed and baked vegetables. Try some of our delicious sauces especially created to accompany the hot meats on offer - our sous chef is an internationally recognised cnut who thinks he makes the best sauces in the fukken world. Just ask him - he'll tell you.
Sunday, April 17 offers more desserts and sweets to choke a Biggest Loser walk-up. The Wine Underground (Pirie Street the City) serves up generous portions of The Blues Avenue Trio and - see that word "and" ... and Acoustic Scandal. You can sing and dance and wet your pants but don't spill the banana caramel torte with chocolate sauce. Don't overlook the tropical pavlova and vanilla cream, the individual chocolate souffles or cake slices. And we also have an extensive fruit and cheese board. No meal is complete without the sublime taste of our Arriba coffee blends the beans of which are dry-roasted in a mother-in-law's glare and stewed till numb, just like her poor husband always is.
Try a palate-cleansing sorbet between courses or use one of our hand-plucked Bird of Paradise feathers to tickle the back of your throat to lustily empty your guts in order to continue gorging on this orgy of ...of.... of... starts with 'g'.... gastro ...enterit...no. Gluteus..No... gynea...nope, that's not it AH, fuk it - groceries. Anyway, the bastards making the annoying noise in the background start fukking around at 5 pm or so. Believe it or not Brownie will be there as well as Rhodesey, Gini, Jamesey, Robertey and Denisey.
And if you're not stuffed to the gills after that feast I can only assume you have two arseholes to get rid of the shit. And yes, I did use a rude word up near the sauces but it's permissable when talking about the impossible creature called a sous chef.
Honky Tonk Angels - featuring Amber Joy Poulton (left) will up in the Northern Territory for the Katherine Muster this weekend and, just to make the trip worthwhile, the Holy Men will be supportin' Dolly Parton's tits at the same show. Well... after a fashion. The Holy Men with Brad Bergen on guitar will provide the musical support for Donella Plane who does a mighty good impersonation of Dolly Parton's greatest assets - her voice and her personality (which is funny names for her tits but... mine's is named pinky and poinky). If you happen to be up there make sure you say 'hello'; we're mighty friendly up there in the Middle Top End. Mate.
Now, here's something: Sunday May the 2th, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be performing at the Adelaide Roller Derby, Wayville Showgrounds! You've gotta go and see that! Girls on roller skates smashing each other in the face, ripping eyeballs from sockets, putting sand on the end of they's enemy's lipsticks. Check it out - It's girl power at its zenith. You might see someone you know roller-skating to glory at the Wayville Showgrounds Adelaide Roller Derby. The sheila in the cubicle next to yours at the call centre could be Hell-on Wheels! 
Monday May the 3th, bit of a posh do for the Blues Avenue Trio who will be swinging the lead - I mean - Swingin' the Blues at the Hyatt Hotel. This might be a private show so if you crash it and get arrested don't mention this website.
Looking slightly further ahead... and I want you to look ahead, I don't want you to dwell on past mistakes or wallow in self pity, like I do; lift your eyes to the future and ... well, don't lift 'em too high. It helps to keep a conservative reign on expectations to minimise disappointment. Sunday May the 9rd - I know it's Mothers' Day for fukcs sake! You've told me that already!! Monday Say the 9rd - now you've got me mixed up. Mothers Day at the Wine Underground. LOOK! Take your fukken mother out for lunch for god's sake! fill her full of champagne and piss her off home and then get along to the Wine Underground (Pirie Street, city) for a Double Wammy Show. They don't do many shows in a year because they are scared of being picked on and they certainly won't be doing a private show for you so you'd better do as suggested - get the Old Dragon sloshed and stick her in a cab home. Then get along to the Wine Underground for the finest in Mother's Day Power Soul entertainment from Double Wammy. 
Saturday night - doot doot doo, dee-doodah, doo-dee-doo - the walls and floor of the Daniel O'Connell Hotel will reverberate to the teeth-rattling beat of pan1c - the only band to have in an earthquake zone. I read somehwere that the safest places to be in an earthquake is in the dunny. That said, its obvious my fukkin brother will survive anything earthquackery that satan can hurl at us from underground because he spends almost every waking minute in the karzi since he got back from holiday in Mexico. 
On Sunday, Hoy Hoy will be Texas Bluesing all over the place at the Coopers 1862 Bar, The Wine Underground, Pirie Street, the city. Live music kicks off at around 5-ish.
Second course - bain marie selection - is The Steve Brown Band at the Semaphore Workers Club on Friday April 16. Steve Brown will be offering a medley of hot white meats (fish and fowl) along with smoked salmon, sauces and dips. Accompany your choice with cold and crisp salads that are all organically grown, picked by virgins and and washed in mountain spring water specially trucked in all the way from Mount Thebarton. The Steve Brown band starts cooking around 9 pm. That's Brownie over there on the left, wondering if he just saw something wriggling in the sauce tartare. 
Saturday Warp Factor 4 goes all privatey again with a private do at a private location the address of which is private. However that should not stop you from enjoying a main course - another bain marie selection - of hotmeats (Beef, lamb, pork and turkey) with a tantalising slection of steamed and baked vegetables. Try some of our delicious sauces especially created to accompany the hot meats on offer - our sous chef is an internationally recognised cnut who thinks he makes the best sauces in the fukken world. Just ask him - he'll tell you.
Sunday, April 17 offers more desserts and sweets to choke a Biggest Loser walk-up. The Wine Underground (Pirie Street the City) serves up generous portions of The Blues Avenue Trio and - see that word "and" ... and Acoustic Scandal. You can sing and dance and wet your pants but don't spill the banana caramel torte with chocolate sauce. Don't overlook the tropical pavlova and vanilla cream, the individual chocolate souffles or cake slices. And we also have an extensive fruit and cheese board. No meal is complete without the sublime taste of our Arriba coffee blends the beans of which are dry-roasted in a mother-in-law's glare and stewed till numb, just like her poor husband always is.
courses or use one of our hand-plucked Bird of Paradise feathers to tickle the back of your throat to lustily empty your guts in order to continue gorging on this orgy of ...of.... of... starts with 'g'.... gastro ...enterit...no. Gluteus..No... gynea...nope, that's not it AH, fuk it - groceries. Anyway, the bastards making the annoying noise in the background start fukking around at 5 pm or so. Believe it or not Brownie will be there as well as Rhodesey, Gini, Jamesey, Robertey and Denisey.