Elections are coming up and now I have a relative with political ambitions – My Uncle Roy was Tazered last week in Hindley Street and reckons that qualifies him for a job in politics. I think he’s admirably suited to the job of runnin' the State because he couldn't run a bath without fukkin’ it up. He'll be in good company on North Terrace. Anyway... here’s how it happened:
Uncle Roy’s brother, Uncle Derek (Dekka) was over from Mallee for a visit to the big city. They went to a night club sort of thing and got chucked out because Dekka took off his shirt. He was hot. For Christ’s sake, Dekka complained, there were blokes in there wearing T-shirts! Nobody chucked them out!! Mooning about it in a nearby bar, Dekka had a good idea "What if I always had a shirt on? Eh?" he said, cryptically. I might add that Dekka is well-known in the Mallee area for head-butting a Toyota ute at the B & S Ball. It’s true that the ute looked to come off second best but the family isn’t sure Dekka’s eggs weren’t scrambled by the impact. Anyhow, Dekka went into a tattoo parlour and came out after a few minutes to give Roy ten bucks to buy a T-Shirt. Roy went to a souvenir shop – not much else open at night – and got one with a Steve Irwin humping a croc on the front and tossed it into the tattoo parlour to Dekka who said slyly… “Hey, Roy… when is a shirt not a shirt? Eh? Eh, Roy?” Four hours under the needle later, Roy couldn’t believe his eyes when Dekka presented himself with a perfect copy of the T-shirt inked into his upper Torso. Well, almost all of his upper torso. Dekka took a look in the mirror and yelled: “It’s the wrong size! It’s too small!!”
Roy said, “Crikey! You’re not wrong. It is a bit short around the guts and the arms, eh? Looks a bit tight around the neck too! But it’s your own fault, Dekka; you didn’t tell me what size you wanted. I only got a Small size shirt to save you a buck and a bit!”
That’s when the fight started and the Tazering came about six minutes later. Either of the useless buggers would fit a political party’s I.Q. requirements but Dekka shot through to the Mallee leaving Roy to chase the political gig.
And that leads us nicely - sort of - to the musical gig news for the near future.
On Saturday, February 6, COLLARD, GREENS & GRAVY, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be appearing at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. Just a tip for this one.... Bring your own bread and butter to dip in the gravy and no double-fukken-dipping - ok? You have to cut the bread into little soldiers for one-dip only. I don't know what Collards are - just push them to one side - but you gotta eat your greens or no pudding, right?
Hoy Hoy! has been setting new bench marks with sales of their new DVD. Why don't you buy one and let them put their fukken marks all over your bench! I spent half a day with the Mr Sheen getting their so-called 'bench marks' off of my bench top. More like fukken skid marks if you ask me. There, that feels better. Them and their fukken DeeVee fukken Dees'
So.. you can catch the Hoy Hoy!!s on Sunday Feb. 7th at the Coopers 1862 Blues Bar at the Wine Underground, Pirie st. Live music start about 5-ish.
The Beggars are presenting their showBound For Australia in a season of matinee concerts in theatres around Adelaide in February. It’s a concert production showcasing 200 years of great Australian music including songs from The Seekers, Anne Kirkpatick , Lucky Starr, Chad Morgan, Slim Dusty and of course The Beggars. The show will also feature guest musician and Adelaide legend Trevor Warner. All concerts details are at http://www.outofthesquare.net.au/ and all tickets are $14.
Dates: Monday Feb 8th at 1.30 pm Shedley Theatre Elizabeth
Tuesday Feb 9th at 11am Marion Cultural Centre
Wednesday Feb 10th at 11am Arts Centre Pt Noarlunga
Thursday Feb 11th at 2pm Golden Grove Arts Centre
Friday Feb 12th at 11am Parks Community Centre
Tuesday Feb 16th at 2pm Star Theatre
Friday, February 12 will be the first opportunity this year to catch Double Wammy at the Semaphore Workers Club, Semaphore. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to hear Brian Morrison, Master of the Wild Guitar, say: 'Good evening comrades and fellow workers and those two bludgers over there... yes you, you know who you are... we're Double Wammy and you're not'. Or something like that. I can't really remember what he says but if I were he then I'd probably say something like that.
Also, on Friday February 12, we have JACKSON FIREBIRD, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, THEBARTON. And they'll be all vitaminned up from eating their collards and greens and, I imagine, therefore, their bowels will in fine fettle. Especially after all them collards. Whatever they are.
On Saturday February 13th, Hoy Hoy!! will break the seal on a new Rock and Rhythm venue at The Rex Hotel, Richmond Rd. Good boy, Rex. Good Boy. Hey! Stop lickin' your nuts! REX.... put that lipstick AWAY, you dirty hound!!!!!
Then, on Sunday February 14... it might seem like we're getting ahead of ourselves a bit but it doesn't hurt to plan ahead... what if an election turns up in your corn flakes and you're not ready for it? So put this in your diary: Sunday, February 14, Double Wammy will be showing off at the Wine Underground Coopers (insert historical date here) Bar on Pirie Street, the City. Be there for a 5 pm kick off when Brian Morrison, Master of the Fukken Incredible Nasty Guitar says... says... Look, if you're gonna roll your eyes like that then I'm not gonna tell you what he says; you'll have to come along and hear it for yourself. So go fuk yerself. With a big hairy election.
Music found to be more live than dead in Adelaide
Monday, 25 January 2010
Let's get cracking... here it is almost February and what have you been doing? What have you achieved so far? Nuthin! Eggs-zactly. I thought as much. So..... here's your chance to make amends. You can achieve going out and having fun listening to live music and getting half stonkered. Unless, of course, you are the designated drinker in which case you can get shit-faced and make a proper arsehole of yourself.
Gigs.........
January 29 Friday the Excelsior Hotel (Brompton) coughs up Steve Brown in large lumps with Gini and her groove, and David Rhodes and his best mate... the Preacher! on lie-down bass. It should be a stand-up bass but the stand bit got busted in the back door of the van. Anyway, the Preacher is tired and needs a bit of a lie down. That's a photo of Brownie over there on the left - he's just been told he has won best best dressed man -- for 1971! And look at that smile! Also, The Preacher isn't Rhodesey's Best Mate; the Preacher is a bit of cnut and isn't best mate to anything except maybe a lungworm. The band will be working under the moniker "an Acoustic Scandal"*
Next... Saturday, January 30, Warp Factor 3 will be a setting the drive for warp factor ... er.... three, I guess, at the Norwood Hotel. Bring your sleeping bags, it's gonna be a long one. 9 pm Saturday to 1 am Sunday! Christ oh-fukken-mighty, how will they do it??? I bet they take drugs!
Now, if you have the wanderlust; if you have the travelling bug, then, on Saturday - the same Saturday January 30 - you can start walking to Whyalla to hear SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS play the finest live blues and roots music at The Left Hand Club. Start early; make sure you are not tired when you get there because your feet will want to git a-shuffling when you hear that boogie riddum Or something like that.
Sunday January 31, Rohan Powell at the Lighthouse Hotel, Port Adelaide.
That's the only photo I have of Rohan. And the kids drew on it. And he should be playing an acoustic guitar, too. I guess it's not very good at all but...It's not my fault. The dog ate my web page.
Now........ Looking ahead.
Saturday, February 6, COLLARD, GREENS & GRAVY, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton.
Bring your own bread and butter to dip in the gravy and no fukken double-dipping - ok? You have to cut the bread into little soldiers for one-dip only.
Hoy Hoy!! have been setting new bench marks with sales of their new DVD. Why don't you buy one and let them put their fukken marks all over your bench! I spent half a day with the Mr Sheen getting their so-called 'bench marks' off of my bench top. More like fukken skid marks if you ask me. There, that feels better..Them and their fukken DeeVee fukken Dees'
So.. you can catch the Hoy Hoy!!s on Sunday Feb. 7th at the Coopers 1862 Blues Bar at the Wine Underground, Pirie st. Live music start about 5-ish.
Then on Saturday February 13th, Hoy Hoy!! will break the seal on a new Rock and Rhythm venue at The Rex Hotel, Richmond Rd. Good boy, Rex. Good Boy. Hey! Stop lickin' your nuts! Put That Lipstick AWAY, you dirty hound!!!!!
* (Whisper - an 'acoustic scandal'? more like an crusty fukken sandal! What were they thinking? what were they fukken smoking? What was in that shit they were injecting?????)
Don't panic - there's music for all tastes
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Thank Christ the Christmas New Year holidays are almost over; I need to relax. Just settling down after Christmas dinner with the family, full to the gills with prawns and pudding, when Uncle Eric (Intrepid Eric) decides we should all go for a “digestive” hike – to Tasmania! And I’d come out in me thongs!
Two days out we got lost – brother didn’t bring all of the compass points. I felt a bit guilty because I’d seen magnetic north holding the rate notice on the fridge door but how was I to know Eric didn’t know the way to Tasmania? Anyway, Aunt Judith said she would go back and get them and we never saw her again (she's no dill). Four days out we ran out of olives for the martinis so we smashed up the cocktail cabinet for firewood. Five days out, weather was hot and things were getting a bit stiff. “Is anybody going to take a bath?” I asked. No one replied in the affirmative so I threw the fukken thing in a creek bed and pressed on. While it wasn’t a particularly hard slog after that it did get a bit damp towards the end. Unfortunately, when we arrived in Tasmania it was dark and they were in their dressing gowns, putting out the wheelie bins. Perhaps we shouldn’t have stopped for that balsamic yoga session – it dragged on a bit. Still, it’s all over now, and if Uncle Eric has another idea like that next year we have agreed to beat him senseless with the hambone.
Now to business, bands and gigs.
First offering is the Streamliners who will be caressing the air molecules with beautiful noise at the Semaphore Workers Club (Esplanade, Semaphore Beach on Friday, January 15th.
Next up is pan!c at the Daniel O’Connell Hotel, North Adelaide. 9pm kick off – don’t be late; the lads have got a lot of music to get through and they don't want to be repeating anything you might have missed just because you were still at home fooling around with porn on your laptop.
Warp Factor Five will be going to the dogs on Thursday January 21 - literally. They will be doing a blast-off at the Greyhound Races. Why don't you get along to see the doggies chase the bunny and listen to Warp Factor Five. Why don't you put some money on the dog races? Why don't you give it to me and I'll put it on for you, eh? Why don't I go and get fucked, eh? Eh?
Then we have the weekly double from Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers, El Supremos avec les Cyans…...
Thursday, January 21 SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Gilbert St Hotel (7pm)
Monday, January 25, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS is at the Exeter on Rundle.
Amber Joy Poulton and the Holy Men will be poking sticks at snakes and rabbits in Tamworth with the Honky Tonk Angels show and Amber Joy’s own musical offerings while Rohan Powell will be swinging his bass balls to the tunes from BLACK – the Lighter Side of Johnny Cash.
Then… on January 26, a skinned back version of The Great Aussie Hitmen will be entertaining the revellers at the Beach House Cafe in Victor Harbor – the evening session, somewhere around 6 to 8. I will get the address of the place sorted but I reckon if you go to Victor Harbor and turn right you can't miss it.
The FRINGE is flopping in our eyes.
While I have you here… the Fringe is approaching at the speed of a stolen Commodore. Get tickets now for Amber Joy Poulton and the Honky Tonk Angels show or there will be a tear in your beer. Amber has supplied a link to the very place where you can get cheap tickets.The link is http://www.talkfringe.com.au and click on Support Acts $10.
On Saturday, February 6, COLLARD, GREENS & GRAVY, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be appearing at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. Just a tip for this one.... Bring your own bread and butter to dip in the gravy and no double-fukken-dipping - ok? You have to cut the bread into little soldiers for one-dip only. I don't know what Collards are - just push them to one side - but you gotta eat your greens or no pudding, right? 
Hoy Hoy! has been setting new bench marks with sales of their new DVD. Why don't you buy one and let them put their fukken marks all over your bench! I spent half a day with the Mr Sheen getting their so-called 'bench marks' off of my bench top. More like fukken skid marks if you ask me. There, that feels better. Them and their fukken DeeVee fukken Dees'
The Beggars are presenting their show Bound For Australia in a season of matinee concerts in theatres around Adelaide in February. It’s a concert production showcasing 200 years of great Australian music including songs from The Seekers, Anne Kirkpatick , Lucky Starr, Chad Morgan, Slim Dusty and of course The Beggars. The show will also feature guest musician and Adelaide legend Trevor Warner. All concerts details are at 
Friday, February 12 will be the first opportunity this year to catch Double Wammy at the Semaphore Workers Club, Semaphore. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to hear Brian Morrison, Master of the Wild Guitar, say: 'Good evening comrades and fellow workers and those two bludgers over there... yes you, you know who you are... we're Double Wammy and you're not'. Or something like that. I can't really remember what he says but if I were he then I'd probably say something like that. 
January 29 Friday the Excelsior Hotel (Brompton) coughs up Steve Brown in large lumps with Gini and her groove, and David Rhodes and his best mate... the Preacher! on lie-down bass. It should be a stand-up bass but the stand bit got busted in the back door of the van. Anyway, the Preacher is tired and needs a bit of a lie down. That's a photo of Brownie over there on the left - he's just been told he has won best best dressed man -- for 1971! And look at that smile! Also, The Preacher isn't Rhodesey's Best Mate; the Preacher is a bit of cnut and isn't best mate to anything except maybe a lungworm. The band will be working under the moniker "an Acoustic Scandal"*
Next... Saturday, January 30, Warp Factor 3 will be a setting the drive for warp factor ... er.... three, I guess, at the Norwood Hotel. Bring your sleeping bags, it's gonna be a long one. 9 pm Saturday to 1 am Sunday! Christ oh-fukken-mighty, how will they do it??? I bet they take drugs!
Sunday January 31, Rohan Powell at the Lighthouse Hotel, Port Adelaide.
First offering is the Streamliners who will be caressing the air molecules with beautiful noise at the Semaphore Workers Club (Esplanade, Semaphore Beach on Friday, January 15th. 
Next up is pan!c at the Daniel O’Connell Hotel, North Adelaide. 9pm kick off – don’t be late; the lads have got a lot of music to get through and they don't want to be repeating anything you might have missed just because you were still at home fooling around with porn on your laptop. 
Warp Factor Five will be going to the dogs on Thursday January 21 - literally. They will be doing a blast-off at the Greyhound Races. Why don't you get along to see the doggies chase the bunny and listen to Warp Factor Five. Why don't you put some money on the dog races? Why don't you give it to me and I'll put it on for you, eh? Why don't I go and get fucked, eh? Eh?
Amber Joy Poulton and the Holy Men will be poking sticks at snakes and rabbits in Tamworth with the Honky Tonk Angels show and Amber Joy’s own musical offerings while Rohan Powell will be swinging his bass balls to the tunes from BLACK – the Lighter Side of Johnny Cash. 
Then… on January 26, a skinned back version of The Great Aussie Hitmen will be entertaining the revellers at the Beach House Cafe in Victor Harbor – the evening session, somewhere around 6 to 8. I will get the address of the place sorted but I reckon if you go to Victor Harbor and turn right you can't miss it.