The Inventions of Stereo Jack
Published: June 13, 2022
Another tale from the files of the Crusty Cowboy Club.
When the Crusties are not out on the range interfering with cattle they find other jobs to entertain and amuse themselves. Left to his own devices Stereo Jack takes to inventing stuff such as the Stereo Jack Facial Recognition Doormat. When you come home full of cleverness but unable to open the front door, you can fall flat on your face on Jack’s doormat, comforted in the knowledge that it will scan your coupon and, if it really is you face-down in the fuzz, pop open the door ready for you to crawl through when you’re awake. I have one; so should you!
One of Jack’s most promising inventions was the ‘Return Home Safely’ device for Drunks. Inspired by the confusion the local streets caused him by shifting around after a session in the saloon, Jack obtained a life-savers’ reel and harness. He hooked up an electric motor and a ratchet to the hub of the reel and anchored the device to his front porch.
“When one is going out for a night on the piss, you simply strap on the harness and start walking to the saloon,” Jack explained.
“At the end of the night, when the fun is winding down and you’ve done the first spoiler in yer duds, just after you hit the floor yer gives a yank on the rope. That unhitches the ratchet in the hub at the other end and engages the little motor which turns the reel which winds in the rope and drags yer home!”
It’s truly a drunk’s boon that is genius in its simplicity. However, it still has a few hitches that need to be ironed out by some other genius who’s not in hospital before the device can go into full production.
One of Jack’s finest inventions was brung about by a social-climbing necessity.
Stereo Jack’s sister Flap Jack was getting married for the fifth time to a big-wig from Town and it was Jack’s job to host the wedding feast, again.
When Jack had a look at the invite list for this auspicious fifth-hitching guzzle-fest he saw it was populated by a plethora of posh ponces and poncesses and he started to worry that the facilities on his ranch may not meet certain expected standards, particularly the outhouse which, while ideal for him, may not be impressive enough for the Very Important Ponces and their Poncess partners.
So, eager to make a good impression on the fat-wallets, Jack perused a bunch of housie-home magazines and discovered the height of restroom hygiene and crapping clean-up comfort – the bidet; a European date-washing device that takes pride of place next to a white ceramic throne.
It took jack a few mere minutes after discovering the purpose of the device to invent a way to upgrade his ranch’s rest-room facilities to a new level of elegance.
Jack’s outhouse was naturally enough a family long-drop with enough room to seat a couple of people in comfort. He scrubbed up the bum-holes and put a little sign over each one: ‘Bomb Bay’ and ‘B-Day’, and removed the newspaper squares from the nail in the wall. Next, behind the seat marked ‘B-Day’, Jack cut a square hole lower down in the back wall and then he put a little bell on the bench.
Buster Saddlesore, Jack’s neighbour was taken with the idea of the bidet as Jack explained it to him and was keen to try it out as he had already autographed the gusset of his dung-humpers with the greasy crayon while listening to Jack’s prattle.
“Buster,” said Jack. “A bidet is an easy-to-use glamorous addition to our ranch lifestyle. After yoove finished dropping your politicians down the stink-well, yer just lift yo’ ass and plonk it on the hole next door.”
“What…? No ass wiping??” queried Buster”
“Nope. This is Elegant European Bathroom Customs at its finest. After yoove plonked down yo’ ass you give the little bell a decent rattle and Mutt the cattle dog comes a-runnin’, sticks his head in the winder at the back and licks yer ass clean!”
“Fkn genius,” exclaimed Buster “ … and I’m dead-set keen have a go right now!”
“Get stuck in, Buster, but let me give a word of advice: when you’re on the bidet you might want to hang onto you gonads because Mutt is a mite too fond of them.”
Come and see Stereo Jack invent some interesting bass-lines at Diverse-City on Saturday July 2 when he performs in The Crust Cowboys Ride Again!
Book at Moshtix: moshtix.com.au/v2/event/t-crusty-cowboys-ride-again-/139846
Or pretend to take a pitcher of this thing:
