Health and Safety Adventures with Red Rash.
Published: June 17, 2022
Another tale from the files of the Crusty Cowboy Club
Of all the Krusty Cowboys Red Rash is the slipperiest. He can disappear minutes after you hit town because no matter where we go – somebody knows him and has something in a little plastic ziplok to share with him. The other week we tied our horsies up in a shithole of a town called Pusbucket Holler. Within minutes of our boots hitting the sidewalk some greasy-looking grub yells out: “Heyyyy… Red! How ya bin? Hey, lissen, if you want some good… etc.” and so he disappeared for three days.
I eventually found him sleeping in a dried out horse trough. He didn’t look good.
“Red…” I sez, “Time to go, bud.”
“Yeah, yeah… when I wake up.”
“That might be another week or so judging by the state of your eyes. They look like the road map for hell central! What the puck did you get up to with that dude?”
“Ahh…man… that was Peyote Pete… he’s got goooooood stuff. Makes mescal seem like lemonade. It’s makin’ you look like you is made of cheese spread with bacon bits…. Sky looks like jellyfish. I’m all insects and grubs all over…”
“Yeah… well…. Let’s get going. I’ll help yer.”
I took him to the stable yard. “Find your horse and let’s git out of here.”
“Ummmm. Yeah… But I think I’ve lost the key to my horsie…”
Say what?”
“Well, I had the key to mah horsie the other day when we hit town and now I seem to have lost it…”
“The key to your horse?”
“Yeah. He needs the key to git him started”
I looked at Red’s nag and all I saw a collapsed bag of bones and rotting leather. “He’s dead.”
“Nah, man. He always looks like that when we stop riding on the range; I just need the key to start him up. I lost it somewhere …”
“Hey… Red!” came a familiar voice from outside. “You lost something, eh?”
“Hey, Pete! Yeah, Yeah… something important.”
“Well, man, dunno about important but you left your umbrella at the saloon…”
Hey…!! It’s mah horsie key – an’ that’s pretty important. Thanks Pete. I owe you then next time we come to town.”
“An umbrella is your horse key?” I arksed of Red Rash.
“Yeah, yeah. S’wat I sed; it starts him up.”
“You’ve had too much mescal. Horsies can’t be started with umbrellas…”
“This one can. Hey, Sleepy… help me do up the seat belt, will ya.”
“You got a seat belt on your saddle? What the heck for, man???”
“Safety, Sleepy. I don’t want to fall off when mah horsie gets started.”
“OK. But your horsie is not gonna get started; he smells dead.”
“Ahhh. No… he ain’t dead. That smell is mah grub steak marinatin’ in mah saddle bag. Should be done when the saddlebag flap starts singing. Now, I’m all belted in. Lift up mah horsie’s tail, will yer, Sleepy.”
I lifted up the comatose horse’s tail. Then Red leaned back shoved the umbrella up the horse’s date and popped the button on the shank.
With a mighty whinny, the horse expanded and was on its feet, bolting out the door in a split second leaving only a clap of thunder in its wake. As it burned up the dusty trail I could see Red Rash’s arms and legs bouncing and flying in the air above the saddle.
“See ya at TurdsVille…” he yelled.
If nothing else, we have learned that we should always keep an open mind for something new, and seat belts save lives.
Book now to see and hear Red Rash with The Crusty Cowboys Ride Again! at Diverse-City, the Best Little Show-House in Town on Saturday July 2.
Book at Moshtix: moshtix.com.au/v2/event/t-crusty-cowboys-ride-again-/139846
Or you can use this … somehow. The Harry Potter Handbook of Wizardry will tell you what to do but I think it has something to do with your mobile phone camera.
