Dahl cops curry over ‘fat’
Published: February 22, 2023
Roald Dahl has recently been censored for using the descriptor for fat, ‘fat’. It is now considered politically incorrect to use the word ‘fat’ to describe fat. Which is a bit funny because ‘fat’ is called ‘fat’ because it’s fat.
Never-the-fat-and-flabby-less, the publishers of Roald Dahl’s classic childrens’ stories have decided to clean up the author’s mess and remove all the now-‘offensive’ words from those jolly old tales. Words like fat, black, female, bald (yes, even bald is apparently offensive to the easily-offended…) ugly, thin… (another brain-buster, that one — can’t have a ‘thin’ slice of bread; tough luck for fat bastards, eh?).
Anyway, you’ve got a sort of picture of it; but my question is this: where are those cut-loose, formerly-inoffensive but now offensive words — currently lying around idle and offending no-one — going to find gainful employment?
Well, I have made a move towards giving them some meaning in their fat, flabby and ugly lives. And I chose that lovely fairy (not gay) story, The Hobbit, as an ideal place to give them a second chance at a meaningful life.
Here goes:
“In a black hole in the ground there lived a fat and lazy male hobbit. Not a big, dark, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of black coloured hermaphrodite worms and a boozy smell, nor yet a dry, bone-bare, tiny, little sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was an ugly hobbithole, and that means bald and skinny comforts.
This male hobbit was a very rich but bald and flabby hobbit, and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in the white neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind, and white people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were rich and white, but also because they weren’t black and never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a male or female Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him or her.
The female mother of our particular fat and bald hobbit — Bilbo Baggins, that is — was the evil and ugly Belladonna Took who was strangely attractive with her horsey face. She was one of the three very ugly and skinny female daughters of the Old Took, the gay, fat and sloth-like male head of the hobbits who lived across The Water, the small, tiny, thin and little river that ran at the flabby foot of The enormous Hill.
The male father, a former military man, was dead as a fat, dead male king. (I think — I’m making it up now…) and he was a right, white, fat, ugly male man bloke with skinny fingers, long legs and short arms with black fingernails and dark black coloured rings around his neck. And he was bald, too.
And enormous.
And ugly. Have I already said ‘ugly’? Ok. Well, he was double ugly with a fat and flabby double-butt…”
Anyway, I’ve made a start and I expect you can do a better job if you get stuck into it. It’s only a short book and shouldn’t take you more than a few weeks to rewrite the fukker inserting as many offensive but formerly child-friendly words as possible. I’ve used a few of them but there’s still a bunch of ’em lying around wondering what’s going to become of them. So, get to it; start writing. I guarantee it’ll be a best-seller.