The Perfect Plan …?
Published: February 13, 2023
Event: General Pobgsayud of Planet Sephxcvbhjuyt Space and Security Forces addresses the President and the massed inhabitants of Planet Sephxcvbhjuyt, Shnurbloe Galaxy.
Location: Confabulation Square, Capital City Klisdkfjhgt, Planet Sephxcvbhjuyt.
“Dear parasitic Pancrustacea, pupae and larvae, as I look out upon your bloodied maxilla and your gravel-rashed tarsi, I can see, with great sympathy, that the global aglet shortage has cut deep into the psyche and physiognomy of our populace.
“We, at the top of the arthropod table, are not above acknowledging the pain and humiliation inflicted on our populace as a result of frayed bootlaces that can no longer be easily threaded through your shoes’ and boots’ lacing eyelets, causing a great stumbling of the masses and the ensuing maxilla-bloodying of our proud and noble grubs and invertebrates.
“However, to your anticipated relief, we have identified a planet on which there is an oversupply of aglets — the so-called planet Earth which we will invade and plunder for their aglet reserves.
“I detect a rumble of scepticism and I cast no nasturtiums on your justified doubts. We have made many attempts to infiltrate planet Earth for at least six of their video and film recorded decades with little to show for our efforts as the joint is plagued with amateur UFO spotters who are quick as fuk to dob in any suspect air-borne, saucer-shaped troop-carriers. It is, truly and admittedly, a litany of failures. But that will be no more!
“With the help of our world’s scientists and investigators who have studied and analysed the decades of failures, we have now developed what we believe is the fool-proof invasion craft that will not only safely enter United States of America air space, but will be publicly dismissed — or readily accepted — and allowed to land. The invasion is assured as is the liberation of trillions of face-saving aglets.
“You will see on this Powerpoint projection (illumination of a massive skyhook mounted screen behind the speaker) the diagram of our newly-proposed landing craft. It is cleverly designed to resemble an earth-type weather balloon!”
“Hurrah, hurrah! Buzz, buzz! Chitter, chitter; etc…”
One failed invasion later.
Location: The Ellipsoidal office of the President of planet Sephxcvbhjuyt, Capital City Klisdkfjhgt, Planet Sephxcvbhjuyt, Shnurbloe Galaxy.
General Pobgsayud speaks.
“Fuk! Well, I guess we’d better get the ol’ flying saucers back out of mothballs, eh?”